Definitely Indefinite

Posted: 10 August 2013 in Angst

It’s obvious, you’re denying me a decent conversation. It’s obvious you don’t want to be asked to explain because there’s not an explanation that would actually make sense beyond the fact that it was all just a pastime – just another fool’s game.

I asked on the onset if I needed to back off, you said no. And now this?!

What do you take me for? A rag? A commodity that you can forsake at your convenience? You had the audacity to turn me down simply because you felt sleepy? Did you expect me to simply let it pass? Do you realize how insulting that was? Did you think I have no pride nor emotion nor a bit of self-worth? Which planet do you think that would be considered fair?

And oh you offered friendship, how fitting! If someone spits on you then offered you candy, would you take it?

My greatest predicament is that you led me on – to where? To perdition? Did it boost your pride that somebody fell in your trap? Such a fine lad you lay waste. I wish you’re not too surprised that I am mad. Although, my guess is that you’re already used to this situation, are you not?

Between a lonely guy and someone in a relationship full of cheat and dishonesty, of lack of transparency, of lies upon lies, of surface-level joy and temporal gaiety, at any given sunny day, I would choose to be alone.

One day, I envision, you will witness a high-class cheating slapped in your face. That day I swear you will remember me and how you dropped me for naught, confused and feeling trashed. That day you will regret that you let a rare chance pass right before your eyes. And the sad thing is you’ll be well aware that it will keep on repeating.

So you don’t want to explain, you don’t want to talk, eh? Then let’s not talk. Indefinitely. Happy now?

Anxiety

Posted: 7 August 2013 in Angst

“It’s not fair.” This must be the fifth major line I’ve been hearing from within.

First was “I felt insulted.”
Then came, “I’m not talking to you again.”
Next came “I’m siding with apathy.”
Then, “I feel sad I’d rather clean my room instead.”

I don’t think it’s fair indeed — to drop me confused then shut me off, denying me any explanation. I feel like trash. What did I ever do for you to make me feel this way? All I had were good intentions. I never meant you any trouble and you know it.

I really thought we were headed off somewhere. Somewhere… feels so distant now. I feel like I don’t know you at all when I thought I was connecting. And it feels bad to know I’m wrong. It feels sad losing this war when I never had a fair chance to fight for it.

I don’t think it’s fair — why did you have to reciprocate? Why did you have to show appreciation? Why did you give specks of hope when you intended to leave me in the end?

I wish I know what really happened. Am I not worth that part of Truth? If you have the slightest sympathy, let’s talk… please, given that you’re reading this and I really doubt you’d be reading anything from me again.

I Need to Tame My Heart

Posted: 21 July 2013 in Et Cetera

I need to tame my heart
It’s jumping off my chest
Wanting to play the part
Of nothing less than second best

\
It’s trundling loud and noisy
Complaining of my folly
That gave in to this yearning fast
I wonder will this last

\
The beat it makes sounds odd
Is it mocking me the same?
For when the noise got hawed
It clearly speaks your name

\

I need to tame my heart
Lest it breaks into the ground
When it leaps, when it starts

Will you be around?

527-8000

Posted: 27 February 2013 in Angst

I didn’t just slack off. It’s been six months or even longer. I dragged and yes I dragged myself hard but I could only drag so much.

I know I’ve disappointed a lot of people. I disappointed myself, too. But between Scylla and Charybdis, I know in the end I’d be sucked into this whirlpool of anxiety and self-contempt and trust me, I tried my best not to bring people in nor to influence people one bit with the evil that I see.

I served for two and half long years. At the onset, I knew it wasn’t among the best places to stay and although I’m not trying to discredit the company, I have to say that I have never been put to this kind of plight by a single entity my entire life. And it’s ironic since this is the longest I’ve served a single master so far.

I’ve been in distraught form, the rain’s been pouring acid, my flesh has been burning inside out. Objectively, I would say I’d like to see which souls would stand by. Subjectively, I’m considering selling my soul to the devil to get even. I am angry deep inside. The hunger in me to bring out this anger is building up.

I solemnly pray to the forces for things to get by fast and that I won’t do anything stupid while waiting for a fix. I get itchy sometimes, you see.

Schylla and Charibdis

Posted: 3 June 2012 in Daily Nonsense

Back at zero.

Walk Into My Skeptic Soul

When I was in grade school, I think I was on second or third grade, I remember going back to the province for summer vacation. As soon as I stepped out of the bus at the gate of my grandparents’ house in Pangasinan, this mid-sized light yellow fur ball came rushing to the gate and jumped right at me. His name was Talisman and he was an old dog of an unknown breed to me, most likely a mongrel, and it had been at least a year when we last met that time. That day of my life was when I felt most important.

Backtrack. We just had this dog in the province. We didn’t have a name yet. We were watching some late night local series and I wasn’t particularly thinking of a name for the dog. One of the guys on TV mentioned the word ‘talisman’ and I…

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Specificity

Posted: 28 May 2012 in Daily Nonsense

The quality or condition of being specific – specificity – is another belief I have or simply another one of my idiosyncrasies.

Another term for discreteness.

From my one-zero entry, posted about three months back, it could be drawn that I needed to define or see things as discretely and as objectively as possible.

In mathematics, we have discrete numbers and continuous numbers. The symbol π (pi) represents 3.1415926xxxx~, with the “xxxx~” suggesting continuity, thus π is a continuous number. On the other hand, whole numbers 10, 31 and 81 are discrete numbers. It is quite ironic that in mathematics, finding a universal definition for terms such as point, line, discrete numbers, continuous numbers, etc. is almost impossible, therefore citing examples becomes imperative.

I’ve had my share of experience of the challenge of finding a universal definition of terms and since then I’ve concluded that any single term, especially adjectives, can be defined with a difference – slight or big –  by any two persons. This difference, if not settled, will have an impact on my life’s purpose – which is to understand life, love and people so, I offer disclaimers when stating facts and non-facts and when sharing indefinite pronouns or rounding off numbers.

Facts vs. Non-facts. If I say that person A is a bitch and that person B is an asshole, these obviously become non-facts and are close to opinion. But if I say that person A is a bitch with feelings and that person B is an asshole with convincing tears, I wonder how many people will consider those two statements as facts?

Meanwhile, if I say that person A is a bitch and that person B is an asshole with a disclaimer that I’d be airing an opinion, how many people will remember that I mentioned the term opinion?

Finally, if I say the same lines about person A and person B with a disclaimer that I’d be stating an opinion with ever-flowing tears on my cheeks and about-to-pop veins on my forehead with my face turned red and my lips shaking in distraught, how many people will stay with “non-fact?”

The first challenge I thus draw when it comes to determining facts from non-facts is this –  speakers  need to declare non-facts as non-facts and listeners need to be aware. This is where my “disclaimers” play their role. I would use the following simple phrases – in my opinion, I think, I guess, probably, most likely, quite, etc. While some would be using such phrases as fillers, I normally use them for a reason.

If I mention something factual, on the other hand, e.g., that this certain singer originally sang this certain song, it will only be considered as a  fact for the following reasons: (1) that I sound convincing, or (2) that mutual trust has been established between me and the listener, or (3) that I have supporting facts adhering to my initial statement, or  (4) that I have a Google page shown to my audience. While sounding convincing is subjective and gaining mutual trust can take time, preparing supporting information or proofs to validate facts may be the best way to make facts sound like they’re actually facts. Although, more often than not, we do not have the luxury of time for such.

My second challenge then – is to gain mutual trust with the most number of people I can gain mutual trust with. This is where honesty and transparency come in. This is one place where Truth will matter most.

Indefinite Pronouns. This might rather be a biased discussion. I’m not sure if what’s to be discussed is part of my Truth yet or if it’s something I simply prefer.

Anyhow, it is one of my pet peeves hearing people unconsciously exaggerate things or events, particularly when using indefinite pronouns like everyone, everybody, all, no one, nobody, everywhere, nowhere, every time, all the time, never, ever, always, etc. I think these words and phrases should only be used for three events: (1) when you’re writing poetry or some other form of literary material, (2) when you’re using the words or phrases in the figurative context, and (3) in advertising.

What can you say about the following lines?

EVERYONE in Laguna knows how to fish!
ALL OF US in our clan have a brave soul!
The ENTIRE Filipino community loves Adobo!

Now what can you say if we add a little disclaimer to each line?

I think everyone in Laguna knows how to fish!
My great grandfather said that all of us in our clan have a brave soul!
We can probably say that the entire Filipino community loves Adobo!

There’s a slight difference maybe but when I think of Truth as absolute, then the difference matters, ergo one-zero.

Rounding Off Numbers. The same concept with the use of indefinite pronouns except we’re using exaggerated round-offs. This is more prevalent in the vernacular.

Self Check 04.30.2012

Posted: 30 April 2012 in Daily Nonsense

Realized the following lately.

1. I am an arrogant condescending dogmatic asshole when heated up in an argument. I will henceforth be more cautious with my choice of words and with my choice of thoughts [if the latter is even possible], especially, but not limited to, during heated arguments.

2.a. I thought that I was helping people when I get straightforward with them, when I tell them negative comments establishing the fact beforehand that I was airing my own opinion, that whatever I say is subject to discussion, that I could be wrong though I thought that they should know what I would have to say.

2.b.i. I thought that it’s always been best to check what motives people have behind their words, such that when someone says something causing another person lack of ease, discomfort or offense, that person should not be fully blamed because he had good intentions of saying it.

2.b.ii. A concept opposing “motive-based” principle is “interpretation-based” and by “interpretation-based,” I’m referring to: people should choose their words based on how it will be understood or interpreted by the other party.

2.b.iii. E.g., John tells Peter he smells awful with the intention of making Peter aware thus moving toward the goal or motive of helping Peter out. Peter got offended. Where’s the flaw in this scenario?

2.b.iv. To resolve this, I think the “sender”of the message should either carefully use words that will not cause any uneasiness, discomfort or offense to the “recipient” of the message or if he would need to be frank, then he should mention his motive first or maybe even ask for consent from the “recipient” on whether he would like to hear what the former intends to say. On the other hand, I think that the “recipient” of the message should as much as possible not take criticisms negatively or maybe even ask for the “sender’s” motives to understand why he would be stating such remarks.

2.b.v. I will henceforth do my best to be this [stated on 2.b.iv.] type of “sender” and “receiver.” Especially during heated arguments.

3.a. I think that words are being defined so that everyone will be on the same page with the meaning. However, as one dictionary would define words slightly differently from another dictionary, then people also have slightly different interpretations of words, especially with abstract words. I think this difference cannot be fully closed but I believe there’s certain threshold that both parties could meet such that one person’s interpretation of a certain word would not be detrimental with another person’s interpretation.

3.b. If the case is that people have different interpretations of words, then my set purpose – which is to understand life, love and people – just exponentially increased its range. This is somehow hurtful but I’m still pursuing.

4.a. I used to define the word “judgmental” like this: you THINK someone has this character because of one or two scenes pointing to the possibility of that character. When you TELL that person that specific character, then that becomes arrogance or frankness but for me, you don’t have to speak to be judgmental.

4.b.i. For me, the root of being judgmental is when you rely to inconclusive data, e.g., you have only two scenes showing that someone has this certain character yet you are considering the thought of the character as an accepted fact, that you don’t give that person enough chance to prove whether the possible character you think he so possesses is something that he really does or does not have.

4.b.ii. I used to apply, since admittedly I could sometimes be assertively arrogant [or arrogantly assertive, you take your pick], that when I tell someone something negative in the middle of a discussion, then I am in fact giving that person the chance to defend himself.

4.c. I’ve realized that my definition of the word “judgmental” is something unique and complicated. I’ve heard another slightly different definition of the term and mine appears to be detrimental with theirs. I will henceforth drop my own definition of the term and will go with their own until I find a way to close the gap between my definition and theirs.

5.a. I reassured myself that more questions are looming over when discussing the potential answers.

5.b. I heard the following line that I am yet to understand – “Don’t look for answers, then question is already the answer” [crap, I’m not sure if this really is the line, somebody correct me please].

5.c. Cogito ergo perplexus. I think therefore I’m confused.

This is a major self check. I could use all the help that I could get and I intend to talk to people more for this.